Bun venit in epoca in care povestile de iubire sunt asuprite de numeroase tipare comportamentale invatate inca din copilarie, tipare in care dragostea se confunda cu sentimente puternice de emotie, nerabdare anxioasa, poate chiar teama, plus o atractie sexuala minunata.
Dar unde este dragostea reala?
De obicei, departe de aceasta ecuatie. In aceasta epoca a lipsei de inocenta, dragostea se confunda cu obsesia. Si, cand relatia se termina subit, ne miram unde s-au dus toate acele sentimente… Acela este momentul in care ar trebui sa revizuim o parte din trecutul nostru, sa ne dam seama ce a fost real si ce nu. Sau sa asezam macar aceste relatii la locul lor, fara sa le dam conotatii ireale.
„Dar toate cantecele ne spun ca asta este dragostea. Toate refrenele de genul:
- Nu pot trai fara tine, iubito!
Aproape nimeni nu scrie cantece despre cat de frumoasa si de linistita poate fi o relatie de dragoste normala si benefica pentru ambii parteneri. Cu totii scriu despre frica si durere, pierdere si suferinta. Asa incat numim asta dragoste si nu stim ce sa facem cand se intampla ceva ce nu seamana cu forma asta de nebunie. Incepem sa ne relaxam si apoi sa ne temem ca nu este dragoste, pentru ca nu suntem obsedate.” Robin Norwood
Despre ce presupune dragostea fara armuri, fara protectii, despre diferenta intre „a fi sexy” si „a fi sexuala” la nivel intim, despre „urmaritor” si „urmarit” – vom vedea intr-un nou articol.
Acum, insa, as vrea sa enumar cateva dintre caracteristicile unei femei care si-a depasit tiparul iubirii excesive, recuperandu-si usor, usor, convingerile despre propria persoana, abordand calea catre implinire si fericire reala. Acest proces poate dura toata viata, devenind un obiectiv catre care tindem mereu. Dar a invata sa te rupi de tiparele comportamentale invatate din copilarie, a invata sa te iubesti si sa te accepti, sa iubesti ce/si pe cine te face fericit, sa spargi lungul sir al povestilor mediocre dupa care esti mereu dezamagita – atat de catre partener cat si de catre tine, inevitabil – aceasta este lectia care deschide poarta catre satisfactii nebanuite.
In cartea „Femei care iubesc prea mult” a lui Robin Norwood – psihoterapeut specializat in cuplu si familie – apar 10 caracteristici ale unei femei vindecate, sanatoase.
O femeie care iubeste prea mult este o femeie careia ii este frica sa se lase sa fie „cunoscuta” intr-un sens aproape biblic. In schimb, ea incearca sa castige dragostea daruind-o altcuiva, prin sustinere si rabdare, prin suferinta si sacrificiu, prin partide de sex incitante sau… orice altceva.
Cum stim ca suntem noi insine, fara a incerca sa fim pe placul cuiva, fara a juca roluri, in mod calculat, pentru a castiga aprecierea si iubirea?
Iata 10 lucruri propuse de Robin Norwood care iti arata ca ai in fata ta o femeie asumata, vindecata:
- Se accepta pe deplin, chiar si atunci cand vrea sa schimbe unele aspecte ale personalitatii sale. Exista o dragoste si o grija de sine elementare pe care le intretine cu atentie si le extinde in mod deliberat.
- Ii accepta pe ceilalti asa cum sunt, fara a incerca sa ii schimbe pentru a-si satisface nevoile.
- Este constienta de sentimentele si de conceptiile ei fata de orice aspect al vietii sale, inclusiv fata de propria sexualitate.
- Apreciaza fiecare aspect al fiintei sale: personalitatea, infatisarea, credintele, valorile, corpul, interesele si implinirile. Ea isi ofera singura confirmarile de care are nevoie, mai degraba decat sa caute o relatie care sa-i insufle sentimentul aprecierii de sine.
- Stima de sine este suficient de mare incat sa se poata bucura de compania altor persoane, in specal barbati, pe care sa nu simta nevoia sa ii schimbe. Nu simte nici nevoia de a fi utila, pentru a capata constiinta propriei valori.
- Se arata deschisa si increzatoare fata de persoanele POTRIVITE. Nu-i este teama sa fie cunoscuta la un nivel profund, dar nici nu se expune riscului de a fi exploatata de catre cei pe care nu-i intereseaza fericirea ei.
- Se intreaba: „Aceasta relatie este benefica pentru mine? Imi permite ea sa-mi ating potentialul maxim?”.
- Cand o relatie este distructiva, poate sa renunte la ea fara a suferi o depresie sfasietoare. Are un cerc de prieteni care o sustin si interese sanatoase, care o ajuta sa depaseasca momentele de criza.
- Mai presus de orice, isi apreciaza propria sanatate. Toate luptele, dramele si haosul din trecut si-au pierdut puterea de atractie. Se protejeaza, aparandu-si sanatatea si fericirea.
- Ea stie ca, pentru a functiona, o relatie trebuie sa se stabileasca intre parteneri care impartasesc valori, interese si obiective similare, si care au capacitatea de a stabili legaturi apropiate. De asemenea, stie ca merita tot ce este mai bun in viata.
Ce este insa de evitat dupa acest proces este infatuarea, mergand in extrema opusa. Vad deseori, din pacate, femei care au invatat sa se iubeasca prea mult, femei care trec dincolo de limita fina a narcisismului sau a arogantei, ducand increderea in sine la un alt nivel; nivel in care lipsa de modestie merge mana in mana cu ridicolul. O fina urma de agresivitate poate fi un semn al faptului ca inca mai sunt probleme nerezolvate sau poate denota lipsa unei evolutii din anumite puncte de vedere. Increderea in sine nu trebuie recastigata pentru a brava cu ea. Incredrea in sine ar trebui sa fie, inainte de toate, o caracteristica interna, care sa ne implineasca pe noi. Bravura in fata altor femei sau a altor barbati nu este decat un semn al unor frustrari acumulate. A „merita” mai mult nu inseamna a cere oamenilor din jurul nostru sa faca diverse lucruri pentru noi. Ci a alege acei oameni care, prin insasi natura lor, sunt asa cum ne dorim incat sa fim fericite.
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